independence day check list

like my firstborn
hate my firstborn
forgive my first born

repeat

forgive me
and my husband
forgive the first born

repeat



breathe.

tally the sum of my shortcomings
add the failures of every partner
multiply oestrogen. divide testosterone.

subtract

two grown women walking arm-in-arm in Gatwick
as brother pirouettes to keep up, then
laughing and tickling the boy-intrusion

multiply

laughing and tickling the brother;
pretending not to see him jiggling the curtains,
slapping the easel with painted hands.

repeat

two days in a row... repeat
three days in a row... repeat.
four days....plead exhaustion.

subtract

taking one’s plate to the kitchen;
putting one’s shoes in the foyer;
being civil.

add

fat cheek dimpled brother smiles;
woman placing each heavy foot before the other;
distant man scowling and refusing technological assistance

add
curling up in a womb red chair and watch anime. repeat
play loud music, dance and teach brother hot new club songs.
blow bubbles in the pool with brother

repeat.

breathe.

get a job. pay for Mama Shuttle Service. repeat.
have a party. clean the house. repeat
be confused and vulnerable.

repeat.

scream a lot and observe the way
it becomes ice cream melting across Mama’s body
and the way Step Father cleans it off.

repeat.

forgiveness. acceptance.
hate. love.
a child jumping on your body crowing,

I love you wake up!