(thank you Arizona Women's Health & Safety Act)
Let it be hereby known.
given that every contraceptive device
~ including abstinence ~ has
a scientifically studied failure rate;
and if the age of a fetus
Is defined from two weeks
prior to conception; therefore
every woman with PMS should be treated
as if she were pregnant. the all important
unborn child must be lovingly protected
and accommodated until its existence
is otherwise definitively proven
imaginary. ice cream, candy bars,
chocolate covered tacos,
palak paneer with pad thai on top, grape
Jelly ham and tofu sandwiches must be retrieved
regardless of the absurd nature or time
of the request. be warned midnight, 3AM or 10:00
are now acceptable and legitimate times to request
said fetal supportive requirements regardless of
whether the partner must leave work;
turn off the superbowl; pause a video game,
or leave Hooters during boys night out. failure
to do so can result in charges of child endangerment.
furthermore, let it be known that:
feet, back and shoulders must be rubbed
on command. Also the perineum
without lust, arousal or
demands of a sexual nature. surliness and weepiness
are to be greeted with supportive, loving words.
sudden urges to clean and organize the entire house
are to be greeted with an I can do attitude combined
with a convincingly firm assertion stated
exactly in this manner: “No, no. I can do it.
Put your feet up, relax and direct.
We might just have to worry about junior.”
once a month all year long. until
the moon blesses her body red; the man kneels
weeping praise songs of gratitude to her benevolent
fecund celestial swollen magnificence and joyfully
makes tea, delivers heating pads and ibuprophin
because 5 days is less than 9 months;
he vows to march on the legislature
chanting about rights.