Saturday, April 14, 2012

19 Days, 12 Months A Year

(thank you Arizona Women's Health & Safety Act)


Let it be hereby known.

given that every contraceptive device

~ including abstinence ~ has

a scientifically studied failure rate;


and if the age of a fetus

Is defined from two weeks

prior to conception; therefore

every woman with PMS should be treated


as if she were pregnant. the all important

unborn child must be lovingly protected

and accommodated until its existence

is otherwise definitively proven


imaginary. ice cream, candy bars,

chocolate covered tacos,

palak paneer with pad thai on top, grape

Jelly ham and tofu sandwiches must be retrieved


regardless of the absurd nature or time

of the request. be warned midnight, 3AM or 10:00

are now acceptable and legitimate times to request

said fetal supportive requirements regardless of


whether the partner must leave work;

turn off the superbowl; pause a video game,

or leave Hooters during boys night out. failure

to do so can result in charges of child endangerment.


furthermore, let it be known that:

feet, back and shoulders must be rubbed

on command. Also the perineum

without lust, arousal or


demands of a sexual nature. surliness and weepiness

are to be greeted with supportive, loving words.

sudden urges to clean and organize the entire house

are to be greeted with an I can do attitude combined


with a convincingly firm assertion stated

exactly in this manner: “No, no. I can do it.

Put your feet up, relax and direct.

We might just have to worry about junior.”


once a month all year long. until

the moon blesses her body red; the man kneels

weeping praise songs of gratitude to her benevolent

fecund celestial swollen magnificence and joyfully

makes tea, delivers heating pads and ibuprophin

because 5 days is less than 9 months;

he vows to march on the legislature

chanting about rights.

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